Oh That I Were An Angel

May 3rd is a day that will be indelibly imprinted upon my mind and heart for the rest of my life. It is the day that I lost my brother, nine years ago. I had gotten off work at Burgers Unlimited and was getting ready for bed. It was late, about eleven o'clock, and the phone rang. It was my mother. She asked us to come to the house and kept repeating the words "My baby, my baby!" We were told nothing and I assumed that one of my sisters had gotten hurt. As we drove across town, we speculated what it might be. When we arrived, all of the lights were still out except for a light in the living room. My mother was in hysterics and couldn't tell us anything. The only words that came out of her mouth were "My baby, my baby!" It was aggravating not knowing what had caused my parents to be so distressed. My father told us that a few minutes before my mom had called us that an officer showed up at their door with the devastating news of Rhonnie's death. He was on his way to his girlfriend's college graduation in Cedar City Utah. He had planned on taking the bus but a couple of guys that he had met in Boulder offered him a ride in a small plane owned by one of the guys. Just outside of Cedar City, they came into some bad weather. The pilot flew lower to get out of the clouds and crashed into the side of a hill, killing everyone instantly. That news just knocked me to the floor! I held my mother and we sat on the couch and wept. After a while, it had occurred to me that none of my sisters were awake. My mom said that she couldn't tell them, that she didn't have the strength to tell them. She asked me to wake them up and tell them. It is still so vivid in my mind how they each reacted. Nell was just dazed. It seemed like she had shut down. I don't remember her having any emotions at all that night. I went into Royeal's room and gently woke her. She didn't even want to get out of bed. I held her as we both cried. I asked her to come to the living room but she refused and said she would deal with it in the morning. I saved Rondee for the last because she was so young, just eight years old. How do you break such sad news to an eight year old? We all gathered in the living room and cried. By that time my grandma and grandpa Powell had arrived. My father gave each of us a blessing and I can remember the words of the blessing he gave to me. We prayed as a family and my sisters went back to sleep. My parents, Michael and I wept and talked till early the next morning.

Looking back on everything, I don't think I really started mourning for Rhonnie until long after his funeral. I had to stay strong for my parents and for my sisters. I was amazed at the lives that Rhon had affected. He left a piece of himself with every friend he made and to hear their stories of him was very comforting. I feel like each one of his friends is like a brother or sister to me for the time and the love that they shared with my brother. I will always be grateful for my wedding, because that is the last time we all saw him, the last pictures we had together. He was wearing glasses and underwear and we know that his girlfriend Lisa must be pretty amazing to inspire such change in him. He was one that was too free to be constrained by the any kind of limitations. I used to think he was so old but now that I am older I realize that he was just a child, a mere twenty two. My father and I got to see Rhonnie's body before it was prepared. That might seem pretty morbid but to me it was a very bittersweet experience.

I miss him! I long for his warm embrace, his wet sloppy kisses. The more time goes by the harder it is for me to hear and remember his laugh or the sound of his voice. I get glimpses of him when I hear a song by Nirvana, Jane's Addiction, Dave Matthew's Band. I see him in his friends that have kept in touch with me through out the years, in the long haired hippy hitch hikers on the side of the road. He has been with me during the birth of my children. I could literally feel him by my side as I brought each of my babies into this world. I have had a few more experiences where I have felt his presence, his touch but I feel that those experiences are just too personal and special to share. I am so very grateful for the promise of eternity that I will have with my brother and my family but an ache in my soul will remain with me until then.