Happy Resurrection Day! (I'm slow...story of my life!)

What a wonderful blessing to celebrate our wedding anniversary, Easter, and listen to General Conference on the same weekend. Michael took me on a little anniversary trip to Grand Junction too! The Boyd's watched our kids and I am 100% sure they are going to be sainted for their service. Our anniversary trip was simple yet perfect. My expectations were pretty low after the debacle last year. In eleven years of marriage we have never been away from all of our kids for a night away. We have gone places with only the baby I was nursing at the time and there have been sleep overs where all of our kids were at their friends leaving Mike and I alone but we have never been on an away trip with just the two of us. I let Mike know in no uncertain terms that eleven years was too long and an overnight trip was WAY overdue! He surprised me with a night at a local theater and dinner and a romantic suite at a nice hotel. I think I made a believer out of him after it all. It's a good think I love that man!!!


Every Easter I do my best to keep it centered around Jesus and his resurrection. Our friends were in Vernal to attend temple so I had them pick me up some things from the local LDS bookstore there. I wanted things in their Easter baskets that reminded them of what Easter was really about so we got them ctr rings and bracelets, a ctr tie for Madse, pencils that said I believe in Christ on them and jelly beans with a poem about the resurrection that went along with the colors of each jelly bean. The entire week before Easter we read about what the savior did each day before his death in the New Testament. As we read each passage and opened a corresponding egg that had something tangible for the kids to see like a thorn, a nail, silver coins, the Savior's last week touched us so deeply and there was a deeper appreciation for what he went through. It was a very meaningful Easter week! Poor Ashley learned the truth about the Easter bunny though. She has the habit of complaining about things and feeling picked on and that morning after the Ester bunny delivered their Easter baskets, Ashley was complaining that she didn't get any peeps and how she had gotten them in years past and how it wasn't fair that there wasn't a lot of candy in their baskets. I kind of lost my patience with her and gave her a lecture about how everything in that basket cost money and there was a lot of thought and effort put into pleasing her and her siblings and that I was heartbroken that it wasn't enough for her. She will now have the title of the Easter bunny and will fill baskets from now on. I feel so bad that she had to find out this way but maybe it will teach her about the gift of gratitude. It was nice to share part of that week with Michael's parents too. They had their spring break and came down and spent it with us. We had a movie night and went bowling with the kids,played games, and celebrated Grandpa Mark's birthday. It is always a blast when they come for a visit!

STEE-RIKE!

Future Bowling pro! I can just see the fingerless gloves and the mullet now!

It was the kids's first time bowling and they all bowled a better game than me!
Great idea, Grandma!

Hallie the Arteest!

May is not the best at looking at the camera. She makes up for it with cuteness!

Everyone singing "Happy Birthday" to Grandpa Mark!

The best chocolate cake for the best father in law!

Easter bread that Betta brought from the Lehi Bakery. It made delicious french toast! Nummy!

Thoughts On Loss

Yesterday I attended a funeral of a friend from high school. He is the oldest brother of my cousin Justin's wife Nichole and I was in band with him and his sister Allisha. He died in a car accident on his way home from working in North Dakota. He left behind a wife and four small children, not to mention his seven siblings, his parents, extended family, and friends. I rarely take the time to slow down enough to think of the influence and effect one person has on so many until something tragic like this happens. It is like a slap in the face that says, "Wake up! This life is precious! What you do with it and how you treat others will have lasting consequences, whether for good or ill." As I sat through his service, it dawned on me that on that saturday, eleven years ago, my family buried our brother, son and friend and the service hit home a lot more and the anguish and devastation that Dustin's family felt, felt so familiar to my aching heart. I knew the pain they were suffering. I would like to say that it gets easier as the years go by, and in some ways it does, but there will always be a hole and a deep longing to hear their voice, their infectious laugh, see their smile, feel their loving embrace. You forget those things, unfortunately. When I die, whether it be tomorrow or when I am ninety, what will be the legacy that I leave behind? How will my children talk about me? What will I be remembered for? Will the memories be painful and negative or wonderful? Will I have touched lives for good? I am thankful for loss, for death of those we cherish most because it motivates me to the core to be a kinder person, to appreciate the life I have more fully, to not take anything or anyone in my life for granted. To witness a wife who is beyond the point of grief, having to be held up by her mother and sister after saying goodbye to her husband one last time and the realization and finalization of his long absence in this life, will stay with me for a long time. I will be holding my husband a little tighter and kissing him a little bit more passionately for a good while to come.

Cut, Cut, Snip, Snip

It has been a week today since Madse had his surgery. I feel guilty about the whole thing because it is evidence of my faults and mistakes as a mother. When Madse was a newborn Michael and I debated whether or no to circumcise him and Michael felt really strongly that we shouldn't and I insisted that since he was and that was all I was familiar with, that we should go ahead and do the procedure. It took us a whole week to come to a decision and I got my way. I went against my husband's counsel. I didn't listen to my husband, who receives revelation for our family. I knew I had made the wrong decision as I stood beside the doctor and nurse as they performed the circumcision. It broke my heart to see him writhing in pain for something that was just cosmetic. No one told me how to care for a circumcised boy and I didn't know I was supposed to pull back the skin so the raw skin adhered to the head of his penis. (sorry if the P word makes any one uncomfortable.) Between job changes, no insurance and my ignorance we didn't take care of it until he was eighteen months when we took him to a urologist at Primary Children's Hospital. He gave us a steroid cream that helped pull the skin back but there was still too much skin that was too scarred and there wasn't much improvement. Fast forward four years, more job changes, a move, lack of insurance, and not in a place financially where we could take care of it and the guilt of not addressing the issue was too much for me to bear especially when he would ask me, "When are we going to get my wiener fixed?" I think it was starting to cause him some discomfort since he was growing but this is where I don't have any experience with boy parts and if it is normal for their bits to hurt. So I got him an appointment with the urologist and they scheduled surgery for the following week. Madse was SO brave! I even explained everything in detail and he still was excited to have the surgery. He started his fast the night before and after a father's blessing he went to bed early so he wouldn't be tempted to eat. We headed to the hospital at eight in the morning and got checked in. Every one was super nice to him and he got to pick out a pretty awesome spaceman hospital gown. The nurses were so kind and spoiled him with stickers and cartoons. They gave him a nasal spray to prepare him for anesthesia and then we waited for it to take affect. He was so loopy and smiley and then he would zone out and his eyes were all glassed over. I did my best to stay strong but inside I was so nervous about leaving him. The nurses wheeled him away and then kicked me out to wait anxiously in the waiting room. He was so much tougher than me! The surgery lasted about three hours and then the doctor came out to give me details. He said that it took longer than he thought it would because of all of the scar tissue. He also did an additional unexpected surgery on what is called the meatus. His was too small causing him to pee upwards. Here again is where that guilt comes in. It never occurred to me that that is why he leaned so far over the toilet when he peed. Yup, just take away my mommy license. I am so clueless! I was able to be with him in recovery. When he came to he was in so much pain and was in tears. I tried to calm him and he looked up at me and said,"I am trying to stop crying but I just can't stop!" So heartbreaking! If I could have, I would have taken his pain so he didn't have to suffer. He grabbed at the bandage and pulled it off. It was so sad. They had to fix the dressings and they gave him morphine but he was still in so much pain. The nurse finally pin pointed the cause of the pain to the tape that was too tight around his scrotum. once they removed the tape he was able to calm down.

Poor fella doesn't know what I've gotten him into! He's all pre-surgery smiles!

The nasal spray was working and Sponge Bob was funnier than usual but he was too slow to laugh at the jokes.

Post surgery. Before we figured out what was causing him so much pain, the nurses moved him out of the recovery room to a room with a TV to see if cartoons would calm him. What a tough little guy!

He had to breathe the oxygen to keep his oxygen levels up. The cup makes it easier on kids instead of having the tubes that go up their nose. An alarm would go off if his oxygen was too low. He thought is was a fun game to breathe hard to get the alarm to stop. It didn't take too long before he was sick of that game.

After fasting all night, breakfast, and then lunch he was starving and so was I. I thought it was unfair to eat anything when he couldn't so I fasted too. The nurses fed him jello and juice but he was beyond starving. I promised him a Happy Meal for being so brave and as we were waiting to be discharged at about one in the afternoon, our neighbor/bestie and my hero, Tracy, came in with a Happy Meal in her hand and a snack for me! After a stressful and emotionally exhausting five and a half hours in the hospital, to have her show up and to know that she was thinking about us brought a ray of sunshine into my heavy heart! She stayed and helped us out to our car. You can't find a more generous and Christlike friend than Tracy! The nurses sent Madse home with all sorts of goodies and were so helpful. The lady at the front desk even loaded him up with coloring books, crayons and hats for him and his sisters. She sent along a few barf bags, which we had to use when he lost his lunch as I was getting his prescriptions at the pharmacy. I am so glad they thought to give us those! The barf bags were awesome! It looked like a frisbee and when you fill it lengthens into a plastic tube! Pure genius! The first day home was a bit rough. He was sick from the medication and in a lot of pain. I put him in one of Mike's t-shirts and he went commando underneath. The next day was better and by the evening we were able to take off the dressings which was a daunting, slow, and painful task. His little man bits looked like frankenstein parts with all of the stitches and he was so bruised and swollen! He was having second thoughts about having the surgery done and was asking for his old weiner back. I put a antibiotic cream on four times a day the doctor said it will take about two or three months before it looks normal.After a week there has already been major improvement. He is still going commando but he can wear loose pajama pants. I had to borrow some from Tracy (If they move in the middle of the night, I will know that I drove them away with my constant moochiness!) because all of Madse's pj pants were too tight. We have a follow up appointment to remove the stitches in a week. I am so glad that children are so resiliant. I just hope I haven't scarred him for life and that he can forgive me for my mistakes. I don't think I will ever circumcise a boy of ours again after this experience. I know the majority of the time it turns out fine but I am not willing to risk the chance of something going wrong with such a vital organ. I am so proud at how strong Madse has been through it all! That little boy is something special!

I Just Can't Do It

After reading a friend's post back in November, I decided to go musicless on my blog for the sake of my few and faithful readers. The last thing I want is for someone to think twice before visiting because I have music playing. I tried...I REALLY tried to keep it quiet and I lasted an impressive six months but I adore music too much and am constantly hearing music that I want to listen to! It is so convenient to put it all on a playlist and listen as I look at everyone else's blogs and to have exceptional music associated with my blog. I like to think that my impeccable taste in music is appreciated and that I can share songs that I love with my friends who so thoughtfully come by to read. So if the tunes I listen to aren't quite your style or if it is just too loud press your mute button and enjoy my blog silently and if the tunage sways you to not visit so often, know that your visits are missed!