Thoughts On Loss

Yesterday I attended a funeral of a friend from high school. He is the oldest brother of my cousin Justin's wife Nichole and I was in band with him and his sister Allisha. He died in a car accident on his way home from working in North Dakota. He left behind a wife and four small children, not to mention his seven siblings, his parents, extended family, and friends. I rarely take the time to slow down enough to think of the influence and effect one person has on so many until something tragic like this happens. It is like a slap in the face that says, "Wake up! This life is precious! What you do with it and how you treat others will have lasting consequences, whether for good or ill." As I sat through his service, it dawned on me that on that saturday, eleven years ago, my family buried our brother, son and friend and the service hit home a lot more and the anguish and devastation that Dustin's family felt, felt so familiar to my aching heart. I knew the pain they were suffering. I would like to say that it gets easier as the years go by, and in some ways it does, but there will always be a hole and a deep longing to hear their voice, their infectious laugh, see their smile, feel their loving embrace. You forget those things, unfortunately. When I die, whether it be tomorrow or when I am ninety, what will be the legacy that I leave behind? How will my children talk about me? What will I be remembered for? Will the memories be painful and negative or wonderful? Will I have touched lives for good? I am thankful for loss, for death of those we cherish most because it motivates me to the core to be a kinder person, to appreciate the life I have more fully, to not take anything or anyone in my life for granted. To witness a wife who is beyond the point of grief, having to be held up by her mother and sister after saying goodbye to her husband one last time and the realization and finalization of his long absence in this life, will stay with me for a long time. I will be holding my husband a little tighter and kissing him a little bit more passionately for a good while to come.