Cut, Cut, Snip, Snip

It has been a week today since Madse had his surgery. I feel guilty about the whole thing because it is evidence of my faults and mistakes as a mother. When Madse was a newborn Michael and I debated whether or no to circumcise him and Michael felt really strongly that we shouldn't and I insisted that since he was and that was all I was familiar with, that we should go ahead and do the procedure. It took us a whole week to come to a decision and I got my way. I went against my husband's counsel. I didn't listen to my husband, who receives revelation for our family. I knew I had made the wrong decision as I stood beside the doctor and nurse as they performed the circumcision. It broke my heart to see him writhing in pain for something that was just cosmetic. No one told me how to care for a circumcised boy and I didn't know I was supposed to pull back the skin so the raw skin adhered to the head of his penis. (sorry if the P word makes any one uncomfortable.) Between job changes, no insurance and my ignorance we didn't take care of it until he was eighteen months when we took him to a urologist at Primary Children's Hospital. He gave us a steroid cream that helped pull the skin back but there was still too much skin that was too scarred and there wasn't much improvement. Fast forward four years, more job changes, a move, lack of insurance, and not in a place financially where we could take care of it and the guilt of not addressing the issue was too much for me to bear especially when he would ask me, "When are we going to get my wiener fixed?" I think it was starting to cause him some discomfort since he was growing but this is where I don't have any experience with boy parts and if it is normal for their bits to hurt. So I got him an appointment with the urologist and they scheduled surgery for the following week. Madse was SO brave! I even explained everything in detail and he still was excited to have the surgery. He started his fast the night before and after a father's blessing he went to bed early so he wouldn't be tempted to eat. We headed to the hospital at eight in the morning and got checked in. Every one was super nice to him and he got to pick out a pretty awesome spaceman hospital gown. The nurses were so kind and spoiled him with stickers and cartoons. They gave him a nasal spray to prepare him for anesthesia and then we waited for it to take affect. He was so loopy and smiley and then he would zone out and his eyes were all glassed over. I did my best to stay strong but inside I was so nervous about leaving him. The nurses wheeled him away and then kicked me out to wait anxiously in the waiting room. He was so much tougher than me! The surgery lasted about three hours and then the doctor came out to give me details. He said that it took longer than he thought it would because of all of the scar tissue. He also did an additional unexpected surgery on what is called the meatus. His was too small causing him to pee upwards. Here again is where that guilt comes in. It never occurred to me that that is why he leaned so far over the toilet when he peed. Yup, just take away my mommy license. I am so clueless! I was able to be with him in recovery. When he came to he was in so much pain and was in tears. I tried to calm him and he looked up at me and said,"I am trying to stop crying but I just can't stop!" So heartbreaking! If I could have, I would have taken his pain so he didn't have to suffer. He grabbed at the bandage and pulled it off. It was so sad. They had to fix the dressings and they gave him morphine but he was still in so much pain. The nurse finally pin pointed the cause of the pain to the tape that was too tight around his scrotum. once they removed the tape he was able to calm down.

Poor fella doesn't know what I've gotten him into! He's all pre-surgery smiles!

The nasal spray was working and Sponge Bob was funnier than usual but he was too slow to laugh at the jokes.

Post surgery. Before we figured out what was causing him so much pain, the nurses moved him out of the recovery room to a room with a TV to see if cartoons would calm him. What a tough little guy!

He had to breathe the oxygen to keep his oxygen levels up. The cup makes it easier on kids instead of having the tubes that go up their nose. An alarm would go off if his oxygen was too low. He thought is was a fun game to breathe hard to get the alarm to stop. It didn't take too long before he was sick of that game.

After fasting all night, breakfast, and then lunch he was starving and so was I. I thought it was unfair to eat anything when he couldn't so I fasted too. The nurses fed him jello and juice but he was beyond starving. I promised him a Happy Meal for being so brave and as we were waiting to be discharged at about one in the afternoon, our neighbor/bestie and my hero, Tracy, came in with a Happy Meal in her hand and a snack for me! After a stressful and emotionally exhausting five and a half hours in the hospital, to have her show up and to know that she was thinking about us brought a ray of sunshine into my heavy heart! She stayed and helped us out to our car. You can't find a more generous and Christlike friend than Tracy! The nurses sent Madse home with all sorts of goodies and were so helpful. The lady at the front desk even loaded him up with coloring books, crayons and hats for him and his sisters. She sent along a few barf bags, which we had to use when he lost his lunch as I was getting his prescriptions at the pharmacy. I am so glad they thought to give us those! The barf bags were awesome! It looked like a frisbee and when you fill it lengthens into a plastic tube! Pure genius! The first day home was a bit rough. He was sick from the medication and in a lot of pain. I put him in one of Mike's t-shirts and he went commando underneath. The next day was better and by the evening we were able to take off the dressings which was a daunting, slow, and painful task. His little man bits looked like frankenstein parts with all of the stitches and he was so bruised and swollen! He was having second thoughts about having the surgery done and was asking for his old weiner back. I put a antibiotic cream on four times a day the doctor said it will take about two or three months before it looks normal.After a week there has already been major improvement. He is still going commando but he can wear loose pajama pants. I had to borrow some from Tracy (If they move in the middle of the night, I will know that I drove them away with my constant moochiness!) because all of Madse's pj pants were too tight. We have a follow up appointment to remove the stitches in a week. I am so glad that children are so resiliant. I just hope I haven't scarred him for life and that he can forgive me for my mistakes. I don't think I will ever circumcise a boy of ours again after this experience. I know the majority of the time it turns out fine but I am not willing to risk the chance of something going wrong with such a vital organ. I am so proud at how strong Madse has been through it all! That little boy is something special!